oh, the guilt

It is raining. It is the middle of the summer. It is Friday. I'm about to pee. I'm about to log into a Zoom conference. I'm about to focus on a scientific paper. I'm about to fall asleep. I think I could do anything. I think I could do nothing. All Friday afternoons seem to be electrical. Even if it is not raining. Even if my life is a disaster. Friday afternoons are noisy and relaxing. A paradox. This Friday afternoon in particular reminds me of all those Friday afternoons when I was in high school. This Friday afternoon makes me wonder why did I waste my time for several years. All I did was moan and cry, to think about girls, fall in love with the wrong square-minded girls, to write about them, to feel guilty 'cause it seems to me that I was the wrong one, that I didn't fit in. I used to moan and cry, and to believe in a promising future. That, eventually, things would get better. And they did. I had several bad experiences, I met terrible women who made me feel worthless, who squeezed my heart like it was trash. Sometimes I felt like my life was over, that it would be the same, that I will not find my soulmate. But I found the love of my life, unexpectedly.

Today I ran 5 km in the morning, not my best record, then I went to the university. There, I had a couple of meetings with pupils –I'm their Thesis advisor–, and later I voted for a candidate to the Leadership of the Health Sciences Department. He promised to do everything possible to convince our colleagues to hire me, to give me the opportunity to become a permanent professor. It's almost five years since I arrived at this university, and I have not gotten anything except temporary contracts for two quarters per year. I am the perfect candidate for this position. None of the candidates are psychologists with a PhD in Biomedical Sciences like me, none of them have the experience I have, but the authorities decided to not give me the opportunity to compete. 

I was listening to Pearl Jam and waiting for my Uber in one of the school yards, trying to get rid of these thoughts, when D appeared out of nowhere. She said Hi and then asked me if I was able to be her Thesis advisor. She told me more or less her proposal and she asked for an advice, she wanted to know if that the degree was worth it. I could tell her that this Bachelor's Degree in particular has so many flaws, but I told her positive things. She's too young, why should I spread the truth to her...? 

J appeared later and asked me if it is true that I will not longer continue at this university. I got surprised by the way rumors spread. Sometimes it looks like pupils know things before academics do. I told her that authorities not only decided to not give me the opportunity to compete for the Leadership of the Health Sciences Department but that they don't think that I am necessary for the Department. How's that! I don't believe it! I like your classes so much!, she said. 

The Uber arrived. I felt a kind of bitterness. If someone with a billion dollars appeared out of nowhere and got an interview with the authorities of the university and knew about me, what kind of profile I am, and what kind of profile the Department has, I'm sure he/she would realize the pointlessness of financing anything at the university.

I know that in a few hours I'll be drunk. I will forget everything, I'll have a few blackouts –Gosh, reality it's so unfair and so harsh!– and I'll feel guilty. And upset. And sick. And frustrated. But, to be honest, nothing's wrong with me. Just like I realized in high school that the girls I fall in love with were square-minded, now I've realized the same thing: authorities are square-minded.