I Admit I Feel A Bit Deceived

I've been reading Marcel Proust, I've been thinking that he's probably one of the most quoted writers and one of the less read, I've been locked in my house for almost three weeks, I've been paranoid and I've been watching fake news on social networks, I've been reading Science comments' on COVID-19, I've been thinking about how will my wife and I buy food for us and for the cats if we don't have a damn car and if the supermarket is pretty far from home, I've been seriously worried about get in touch with real unknown people in the streets, I've been paranoid about the idea of get infected, I've been thinking people are so dirty and unaware of the real situation. 

Here, in Lerma, people have been celebrating parties.
The churches are full of people and noisy as usual.  

I've been taking French lessons, I've been thinking about Philippe, I've been thinking about Paulette, I've been thinking about my old French professors, I've been thinking why did I behave like a moron when I should have focused on my French classes, I've been thinking that I met them more than fifteen years ago, I've been thinking about Maurice, I've been thinking in the times he was my French professor, I've been thinking he liked Boris Vian,  I've been thinking I was so futile, I've been thinking why I fell so blindly in love.  

Once Maurice imparted a class under the influence –maybe he took a Valium 'cause he thought his life sucked– and he made us watch a Stanley Kubrick film in French. I wonder what happened to my French professors, where they are now, what they have done and how they are going. 

I've been thinking about you and your friends in Europe, I've been thinking that you might hate me 'cause I haven't been supportive in the experiments you've been performing in Mexico City, I've been thinking there is something about you that makes me sick, I've been thinking why I feel pity about you, I've been thinking that it is just a sad projection of myself, I've been thinking about your cats, I've been thinking about your lonely life, I've been thinking in the times that you've complained about your life on the cellphone, I've been thinking if we could befriended. 

What if we just could be honest for one single time? What if you just admit that you like women? What if you just admit that you believe that I am a moron?

I've been thinking about yesterday, I've been thinking about my last meeting via ZOOM with my colleagues, I've been thinking about the impression my colleagues might have about me right now, I've been feeling ill and miserable, I've been considering to act like a smug guy to make it clear that I've written every single damn paper in which I appear as first author, I've been thinking that I am unable to write my own stuff, I've been realizing that I can't write as much as I want, I've been thinking why do I need to be alone to write, I've been thinking why in the hell I can't finish this damn paper in which I've been working for months.    

I've been thinking in those times when I could hear Bandoliers and get drunk and get high and just fall asleep, when I had the worst nightmares of my life, when I was a stupid postgraduate student and tried so hard in my dreams to be less stupid than I was in real life.   

I've been thinking why I can't give a fuck about silly people.

Bandoliers